2013年5月6日星期一
Dear Fellow Malaysians, DO NOT GIVE UP.
Dear Fellow Malaysians,
DO NOT GIVE UP.
I am pleading with you, do not give up. Do not give up on democracy. Do not give up on hope. And most importantly, do not give up on our country.
Because if you do, you are doing exactly what Najis wants you to do, then we have really lost.
I believe that many of you, like myself, is filled with anger, sadness, disbelief and deep frustration. For today, our election has been hijacked, our country has been robbed and the future of our next generation has been denied.
Not by Bangla voters, not by voters who had been bought over and not by SPR. Sure, they have a part to play in all these, but the culprit is Najis, and we shall never forget this.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that democracy equals to a win by the opposition parties. But what we must maintain and uphold, is the rights and importance of the clean election of the rakyat, by the rakyat, for the rakyat.
“Remember, remember the fifth of May, of election treason and plot. I know of no reason why the election treason should ever be forgot.”
I know that many of you, just like myself, will be thinking that, what is point of an election anymore, if the votes of the people is not one that matters? What is the point in making the trip back to our hometowns purposely in order to cast our votes, when it is not even sacred? Will we ever be able to see a clean election, without phantom voters and power outage? Or for many who are might be going overseas, to think that is there still any hope left in this country? Or for those who are already overseas, to be thinking what is the point of coming back to this country?
Personal questions aside, the bigger questions that might be lingering in our minds are probably, will Anwar really retire after this? Who will be leading the Pakatan Rakyat? Will we be able to gain such a strong UBAH and UNDI momentum next time round? Will the three parties still be able to form a strong alliance next time round, when most of their senior leaders could be too old to lead another battle? How many more 5 years does Malaysia have? With MCA losing terribly, who will be BN's new lap dog? Will BN be more racist towards the Chinese? What if Muhyiddin takes over as PM?
My first reaction is, democracy is dead. This country is hopeless. Why bother to vote. We can never change. They will always find some dirty methods to ensure that they can stay in power. No difference la. I'm sure many of you can relate to this.
But almost immediately, in the back of my mind, I can visualise the smiling face of Najis, secretly laughing at us all, and saying that, what's the point of you voting, I will still win and be my PM, and continue spreading my 1Kotor campaign. He is probably thinking that, if we are all disheartened and discouraged to vote and to bother anymore, then his power is secured. He will think that he can do whatever he wants and there will be no checks and balances to control him. That he will not be answerable to his crimes when he retires, and he can continue buying huge diamond rings and endless number of designer bags for his Botox wife.
DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT SATISFACTION.
Pushing aside our emotional reaction for a while and just reflect for a moment, and you will realise that the country IS changing, and we still have hope.
If I told you 10 years ago, that DAP will be willing to use PAS's logo for a GE, you would call me crazy.
If I told you 10 years ago, that Malays, Chinese and Indians will no longer see UMNO, MCA and MIC as representing their respective racial group, that we would reject racial politics, and we could call ourselves as Malaysians first, race comes second, you would probably not believe me.
If I told you 10 years ago, that people would fly back from all over the world to cast 1 vote, and voter turn out ratio will be highest of all time and reached 80%, you would think that it doesn't mean anything.
If I told you 10 years ago, that Lim Guan Eng will be the most loved Chief Minister in the whole of Malaysia, you would have touched my forehead and checked for fever symptoms.
If I told you 10 years ago, that people would stand in front of riot police for their righteous cause, and Malays would shield Chinese from tear gas, you would have straight away checked me into a mental hospital.
Yet, looking back at everything that has happened since 308 of 2008, I am sure that you could feel that there is a big change in the society of Malaysia. Then, who are we to say that we will not see the change that we wanted to see, in the next 10 years to come?
Kudos to everyone who came back and showed up to vote. Your vote counts, and YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT. It is only by making sure that everyone comes back to vote, that we can avoid seeing BN winning more seats despite winning less votes. We need every single vote from the rural areas and Sarawak.
I am sure you could feel that people care more about politics now, or more rightly put it as, care more about the state of our country in the future. It is only with such a change in the sentiments, that we can affect more people around us to care more, including those who are politically apathy and ignorant.
Think about all those who volunteered to be PACABA, who contributed in many ways of ensuring a cleaner election. Have no doubt, that if without all these volunteers, the election will be dirtier.
Think about the role of social media and citizen journalism, that has cause more well-spread awareness and concern among fellow citizens about what is happenning in other parts of our country, including BERSIH and LYNAS, despite the various effort by BN-controlled mainstream media to deny us the news.
Therefore, I beg you all, fellow Malaysians, don't lose hope as of yet, and please don't think that we will never see the change that we wanted to. If anything, this election should not cause us to lose hope in our country, but to tell ourselves that there is more to be done.
GE13 is not Ini Kalilah, but maybe Lain Kalilah? Don't forget that we ain't even the ones fighting the real war out there. If we give up now, how could we ever face our fellow men and those who stood for us?
Think about Anwar, Lim Kit Siang, Nik Aziz, Lim Guan Eng, V. Sivakumar, Nizar, Wan Azizah, Hadi Awang, Arul and all the family members and supporters who stood behind them through highs and lows.
If they never give up after facing so much obstacles and threats, who are we to be throwing our hands in the air and say, it ain't my business anymore?
This is a test to us all. A test in our faith in democracy and our country. Some will falter and some will fall, and forever be gone. But some will remain and become even stronger.
If we give up now, then we have conceded when the real battle has barely begun.
If we give up now, who will fight for the future of our next generation? Who will remember the death of Teo Beng Hock? Who will bother about money politics and power outage? Who will care to voice out our opinions and concerns?
I believe that we can still win, even when we are playing by their rules. Their dirty rules.
The change has already occured, whether you see it or not. Slowly, but undeniably. Have faith. Such mad hope, but there it is.
I wonder if you all remember a line from Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, spoken by Seymour Simmons (John Turturro): "Years from now, they're gonna ask us: where were you when they took over the planet? And we'll say: we just stood by and watched..."
Well, if you give up, you are just like a bystander watching aliens taking over Earth, and if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror.
Why am I writing this? I just hope that even after you went to bed disappointed yesterday midnight, when you wake up this morning, you would find that the sun still rises, and the world still has something positive to offer you in this brand new day.
I hope to tell you that the country doesn't end at GE13. The world doesn't stop spinning after GE13, even though it feels very much like it. Democracy didn't die in GE13, it just hasn't begun living in Malaysia.
We have doubts and we have fear, but conviction and courage is never about the lack of doubts and fear, but it is about overcoming them.
It is ok and perfectly normal to be disappointed, but it is weak to be defeated by the first obstacle. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Therefore, I urge you all, not to give up and lose hope in our country. Don't be disheartened, and please believe that there is more things we can do, besides changing our facebook photo to a black display pic.
I hope that when BERSIH 4.0 comes, we will all contribute and join in whatever ways we can.
I hope that come GE14, those who can volunteer to be a PACABA, please continue to provide your services. Don't think that it doesn't make a difference.
I hope that we will continue to spread the message of democracy and people's power. That those who can teach the elderly how to access internet continue to do so, and introduce them to Malaysiakini and Oriental daily, to help them distinguish between news and fiction.
I hope that we would all continue to ask those who did not vote, or did not register as a voter, to vote in the next election.
I hope that those who have seem the world outside Malaysia, will come home and tell your friends and relatives, that MALAYSIA DESERVES BETTER.
So please share and spread the message, encourage one another, and tell each other that we are not alone in this battle for a brighter future. Please hold on to the belief, that one day in the near future, that rakyat will be the true owner of the country.
"The revolution has yet to succeed, comrades there is still work to be done" - Sun Yat Sen.
20130506 0340
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Photo taken at Dataran Merdeka, KL. Do not forget the Malaysian spirit.
2013年5月5日星期日
大選心情筆記 · 投票日前第二天(2013年5月3日)
大選心情筆記 · 投票日前第二天(2013年5月3日)
用圖說來描繪我的心情~
就在納吉大廣告牌的旁邊聽演講。誰理他啊,白痴!
這位Fairuz Azhan仁兄講話不錯,有潛質啊!
李文材醫生,我們務邊區的國會議席候選人~
蘇建祥,怡保東區國會議席候選人,接過林吉祥的位置打這場仗。吉祥大叔,祝你如意!
無止境的人潮。。本想走到底看看有多少人。。但我走到連台都看不到了,還沒看到人潮的尾端。
德彬丁宜州議席候選人黃文標:國陣知道我們這裡會很多人,所以在roundabout上面種了很多樹,不讓你們站,但是我們還是一樣很多人!!
兵如港州議席候選人李存孝:我們聽到你們的聲音!
歇口氣看李存孝演講的黃文標。
超人!V. Sivakumar!
桂和區州議席候選人黃家和~
趙明福妹妹趙麗蘭。趙明福,我們沒有忘記你!
全民挺明福!!
······
五月五,換政府;五月六,新政府。
改朝換代,告別腐敗!
用圖說來描繪我的心情~
就在納吉大廣告牌的旁邊聽演講。誰理他啊,白痴!
這位Fairuz Azhan仁兄講話不錯,有潛質啊!
李文材醫生,我們務邊區的國會議席候選人~
蘇建祥,怡保東區國會議席候選人,接過林吉祥的位置打這場仗。吉祥大叔,祝你如意!
無止境的人潮。。本想走到底看看有多少人。。但我走到連台都看不到了,還沒看到人潮的尾端。
德彬丁宜州議席候選人黃文標:國陣知道我們這裡會很多人,所以在roundabout上面種了很多樹,不讓你們站,但是我們還是一樣很多人!!
兵如港州議席候選人李存孝:我們聽到你們的聲音!
超人!V. Sivakumar!
桂和區州議席候選人黃家和~
趙明福妹妹趙麗蘭。趙明福,我們沒有忘記你!
全民挺明福!!
······
五月五,換政府;五月六,新政府。
改朝換代,告別腐敗!
大選心情筆記 · 投票日前第三天(2013年5月2日)
大選心情筆記 · 投票日前第三天(2013年5月2日)
“這次的大選,雖然讓我們久等了,但我覺得,這個等待是值得的,讓更多人可以見識到國陣的真面目。讓我們換掉這個貪污腐敗毫無底線的政府,還人民一個更好的明天!”
早上醒來,換上一件黃衣準備和姐姐出去吃早晨。姐姐說:“咦,你還有黃衣啊?”
是的,我黃衣不少,綠色和紅色也有,一路穿到投票日。
一開始聽到有報館同事從新加坡外派到馬來西亞採訪大選新聞,心中還是相當羨慕的。他們從4月18日起,趕在提名日之前就去到他們採訪的地點,接近三個禮拜的時間,一路呆到大選後的兩三天。
別人和我說,你回家就回家啦,你羨慕幹嘛,要工作很辛苦的你知道嗎?我知道,但其實我不介意。畢竟這一次能夠參與這次大選的報導,也是一輩子難以遇到、千載難逢的機會吧。
不過,轉個念頭想想,其實不用工作也是挺好的。至少我可以有更多的時間陪陪家人。最重要的是,我可以毫不顧忌地穿上我的信念,更不必趕場去採訪國陣空無一人的萬人宴,更可以不用為了趕稿提早離開群眾大會,可以聽演講聽到半夜。
本屆大選千呼萬喚始出來,從去年初到今年,大家都久等了。
不過,我突然間覺得,要是大選在去年舉行,整個局勢會大大不一樣,納吉贏得大選的勝算其實比目前高多了。
真的多謝貪污腐敗政府的這位窩囊廢首相的智障智囊團,讓我們的大選拖到不能再拖了,而在這一年來發生了一連串的事件,讓國陣更接近了滅亡。
試想想,在過去一年,淨選盟、綠色聚會事件升級;養牛事件、《星洲日報》的"轉型"、治安的惡化、對第一夫人的厭惡等等的,在這一年內,都為納吉與國陣減分。
最為關鍵的是,社交媒體的作用與影響力在過去一年已大大地提高,這一點,想畢是國陣所料不及的。
這次大選,國陣佔了地利,因為各種嚴重不公平的選區劃分,導致他們還會穩贏不少鄉村選區;但天時與人和的天平,都不可避免地越來越傾向了民聯。(傾斜的天平,不只是國陣有!)
因此,這次的大選,雖然讓我們久等了,但我覺得,這個等待是值得的,讓更多人可以見識到國陣的真面目。讓我們換掉這個貪污腐敗毫無底線的政府,還人民一個更好的明天!
2013年5月3日星期五
大選心情筆記 · 投票日前第四天(2013年5月1日)
大選心情筆記 · 投票日前第四天(2013年5月1日)
“穿上了黃色的Bersihkan Malaysia/Ubah衣服,剛好被兩個錫克人看到,其中一個握緊拳頭向我示意,以堅定的聲音地向我說:Ubah!我也同樣地以緊握的拳頭回應。”
看到鋪天蓋地的各種競選旗幟、海報、布條,立刻就可以感受到,是的,我回到馬來西亞了。尤其是那些車頭照格式的藍色海報,給人的視覺衝擊,若不是身臨其境是難以感受到的。
為什麼我要記下我的心情呢?因為我堅信,這是我們國家面對的一個關鍵的分水嶺,是邁入一個更好的明天,抑或是難以重見天日,真的是且看今朝了。希望多年後,可以看到自己的這些心情,故記下此刻所想。
晚上出門時,穿上了黃色的Bersihkan Malaysia/Ubah衣服。停車後走下來,剛好被兩個錫克人看到,其中一個握緊拳頭向我示意,以堅定的聲音地向我說:Ubah!我也同樣地以緊握的拳頭回應,一切盡在不言中。這才是真正的一個馬來西亞精神吧?
在茶餐室吃晚餐時,突然間有人拍我的肩膀,還以為遇到熟人了,回首一望,是位大叔。他說:“靚仔,你件衫邊度買嘎?”“不好意思啊uncle,限量版的,已經賣完了。。”
去聽了“民主歌聲喚明天”的演唱會。以一個臨時組成的樂團來說,整體還算不錯,也非常感激他們願意自掏腰包,不收費地全國進行表現,呼籲大家出來投票。不過,還是有一些小建議:
- 選擇 Coldplay 的 Yellow 倒是挺有創意的。。
- 大家知道歌手經常會在副歌的部分將麥克風對著觀眾,然後叫觀眾一起合唱嗎?選擇唱Beyond的《海闊天空》、許冠傑的《浪子心聲》時這麼做,當然可以帶起現場氣氛;但是竟然選擇在唱蕭煌奇的《你是我的眼》的時候這麼做,當然全場冷場啦,uncle和auntie們沒有看星光大道,不懂這首歌,沒辦法幫你唱這首歌的ok。。
- 請不要問“怡保人,你們會聽廣東話嗎?”拜託啦,我不會去問檳城人會不會聽福建話對不對?
- 各位主唱都不錯,但是和音的部分有點缺乏配合哦。。
- 後面那位鍵盤手姑娘歌聲不錯,可惜只有一小段,眉清目秀,為什麼要安排她一直躲在後面?如果不是有屏幕根本就看不到她。。反觀擋著她的那位吉他手,建議你還是彈吉他吧,玩音樂不一定要唱歌的。。
聽了過半的演唱會後,趕場到火箭的兵如港總部聽演講。。前前後後在兩個場地聽了黃文標(Tebing Tinggi州議席候選人)、李存孝(Pasir Pinji州議席候選人)、陳家興(Simpang Pulai州議席候選人)等人的演講,其實說真的,對於我們這些心中已經知道要投給誰的人,並已經聽過民聯不少演講的我而言,他們的政治綱領,所代表的、所宣揚的,倒不是我想要去出席的主因。出席這些演講都是為了支持他們而已。
在兵如港那裡看到了國陣湯華昌的選舉木板,呼籲大家“選人不選黨”。。我想請問的是,所以湯兄言下之意,選黨的話,就不應該選國陣了對吧?你也知道啊?
而且完整的四句標語:“選人不選黨,好的服務兵如港,服務兵如港,我們要投湯華昌”。。。我的天啊!這是什麼華語啊?這是新詩嗎?看到我眼睛都痛到流淚。。我小學的時候造句所用的華語都比這好多了。。還自稱代表華社!哦不好意思,自稱代表華社的是馬華,這位湯兄正急著撇清關係呢,所以他不代表華社,競選團隊華語爛,也無所謂啦~!
李存孝和陳家興今年都只是三十歲吧?突然間很羨慕他們的勇敢和果斷,敢於背負著這個重擔,在這個骯髒的國家裡出來當一個公眾人物,讓自己這輩子都活在流氓的靶心當中。自己和他們相差五歲,卻似乎離自己年輕時想要參政的夢想漸行漸遠。
看著台上的人一個個輪流發言,突然間很羨慕我的學弟鄭傳毅可以上台幫忙組選。不止是他,而是在這一次的大選中,各個積極參與的人;而我,只是一個看客而已。
我們居住在外國的人回來投票,真的只是拉一泡屎就走了嗎?心中立誓,我總有一天會回來的,雖然不參政,但也會以自己的方式為國家做出貢獻。看到各個同在國外的朋友,大部分都仍然心系家園,多少還是很欣慰。
我相信,我們這一代出國工作的年輕人,和上一代人還是比較不一樣了,我們對這個國家比較敢於期望他會改變,還是有前途的;而不是對他絕望到一走不回頭。我是真的這麼希望,希望這個希望並不會是奢望。
文章雜七雜八,正如這次的大選。五月五,一切答案即將揭曉。
2013年4月7日星期日
生命的脆弱 · Say Goodbye
“或許,真正讓人感到傷痛的,不是生命的流逝,而是未曾好好地道別。”
生命是很脆弱的。
喝著一瓶新開的波爾多紅酒,我的腦子中還在消化近四個小時前收到的消息——《聯合早報》上司財經組主任白士德先生已經仙逝了。
對我來說,這真的非常突然。雖然他去年曾被驗出體內有癌細胞,但後來隨著他化療、回來上班後,身體也看起來正逐漸恢復,我也不曾真地正面詢問他的近況如何,只是祝他早日康復。最近他拿了兩個禮拜的MC,本來也沒有特別去想有什麼大不了,還以為是一些小並發症狀,誰知就這樣復發,離我們而去。
說實在的,我和士德的認識並不至於說很深,兩人的交際也只限於工作上的聯繫。進入報館1年零7個月,期間由於他病魔纏身,真正共事的日子並不會超過一年。我們對於彼此的私人生活、家庭背景,可說是沒有什麼特別的了解。
因此,打開文檔想要開始打字時,卻發現腦海中除了對生命的脆弱多了更多感觸外,文章似乎也不知何從下筆。畢竟,若想追憶他在工作崗位上的傑出表現,相信有更多同事比我有資格得多了。但若想談他的個人,我卻又不甚了解。
有同事曾經和我說,士德在政治組的時候,對政治新聞的記性是一流的,多年的經驗更是讓他對國家政策瞭如指掌,任何新政策、新預算案推出時,和往年哪裡不同,馬上就可以點出。
不過,就在這不到兩年的接觸中,他還是讓我留下很多深刻的印象,也讓我學習到很多事。畢竟,他是我人生中第一份工作的第一個老闆,從我面試、到入行、到成長的這些經歷,都少不了他的身影。
士德對我的栽培和關照,我是清楚感受到的。我在加入報館之前,完全沒有採訪的經驗,從來沒有當過實習記者;在加入報館後,士德會經常跟我聊,談談他對我的期望,對我的文章感到滿意和可以改進的地方。
在不久前,他還恭喜我今年升職了,表示肯定我的進步,還說對我新一年的工作有了更高的要求。這一切都歷歷在目,恍如昨日。
在轉到財經組之後的不久,他卻突然開始不斷咳嗽,之後被診斷出有癌細胞後,去年大半年也休假養病。在回來後的這半年,一切卻似乎有所好轉,頭髮、聲音、步伐,都逐漸地變得更正常了,他也全面從新投入工作,我也沒有想到,他會走得這麼突然。
家母在我17歲那年謝世了。士德的突然離世,多少也讓我想起我的母親,喚起回憶深處的痛。這麼相似的情節。生活方式和身體都很健康的一個人,突然毫無預兆地就得了癌症。在經歷了化療和其他治療過程後,似乎情況有所改善,一切貌似即將回到正常的時候,卻平地一聲雷式地突然復發,就這樣撒手歸西。
我現在一邊寫著這篇文章,一邊在聽著許冠傑和張國榮合唱的《沉默是金》,心中不免對生命多了很多感觸。前幾天還在一直不斷地聽哥哥的多首名曲,緬懷他的離去。
友人安慰我,別太傷心了。我的答復是,我的心情,是震驚和感觸占得更多。
覺得最近似乎和死亡相關的新聞特別多。
4月5日也是Kurt Cobain自殺19週年的日子,也讓我翻出我的那張20週年版的《Nevermind》專輯,感嘆一下,一代才子像流星般短暫且燦爛的人生,在聲名大噪的三年內就吞槍自盡。
專輯中的《Something in The Way》雖然不是Nirvana的代表作,但其中Kurt聲音中所帶出的傷感,卻在我腦海中揮之不去,單是聽到他的聲音,腦海中就浮現他眼中那深邃的憂傷。
我喜歡的著名影評人Roger Ebert也在4月4日過世了,在經歷了與癌症抗爭11年後,最終給世人留下比電影更深刻的人生。
今年才25歲的我,但也已經有兩個曾經的同班同學,分別因為遇到劫匪與白血病而陸續離世,更確確實實讓我們感嘆英年早逝、人生的多變與無常。
人生就是這樣充滿著無奈。有的人想活下去,但卻沒辦法;有的人可以活下去,卻無奈地選擇了斷。這算是什麼道理呢?我不懂。
或許,不斷地接受死亡的發生,到接受死亡,本就是人生成長的一個過程。盜用《Life of Pi》裡的一句話:
“I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye. "
或許,真正讓人感到傷痛的,不是生命的流逝,而是未曾好好地道別。
繼續淺酌著我的干紅,伴我寫下這篇不倫不類的悼念文章,獻給已仙逝的老闆與朋友們。謝謝你們曾經的相伴。南無阿彌陀佛。祝你們一路走好。
2013年04月07日 0240
生命是很脆弱的。
喝著一瓶新開的波爾多紅酒,我的腦子中還在消化近四個小時前收到的消息——《聯合早報》上司財經組主任白士德先生已經仙逝了。
對我來說,這真的非常突然。雖然他去年曾被驗出體內有癌細胞,但後來隨著他化療、回來上班後,身體也看起來正逐漸恢復,我也不曾真地正面詢問他的近況如何,只是祝他早日康復。最近他拿了兩個禮拜的MC,本來也沒有特別去想有什麼大不了,還以為是一些小並發症狀,誰知就這樣復發,離我們而去。
說實在的,我和士德的認識並不至於說很深,兩人的交際也只限於工作上的聯繫。進入報館1年零7個月,期間由於他病魔纏身,真正共事的日子並不會超過一年。我們對於彼此的私人生活、家庭背景,可說是沒有什麼特別的了解。
因此,打開文檔想要開始打字時,卻發現腦海中除了對生命的脆弱多了更多感觸外,文章似乎也不知何從下筆。畢竟,若想追憶他在工作崗位上的傑出表現,相信有更多同事比我有資格得多了。但若想談他的個人,我卻又不甚了解。
有同事曾經和我說,士德在政治組的時候,對政治新聞的記性是一流的,多年的經驗更是讓他對國家政策瞭如指掌,任何新政策、新預算案推出時,和往年哪裡不同,馬上就可以點出。
不過,就在這不到兩年的接觸中,他還是讓我留下很多深刻的印象,也讓我學習到很多事。畢竟,他是我人生中第一份工作的第一個老闆,從我面試、到入行、到成長的這些經歷,都少不了他的身影。
士德對我的栽培和關照,我是清楚感受到的。我在加入報館之前,完全沒有採訪的經驗,從來沒有當過實習記者;在加入報館後,士德會經常跟我聊,談談他對我的期望,對我的文章感到滿意和可以改進的地方。
在不久前,他還恭喜我今年升職了,表示肯定我的進步,還說對我新一年的工作有了更高的要求。這一切都歷歷在目,恍如昨日。
在轉到財經組之後的不久,他卻突然開始不斷咳嗽,之後被診斷出有癌細胞後,去年大半年也休假養病。在回來後的這半年,一切卻似乎有所好轉,頭髮、聲音、步伐,都逐漸地變得更正常了,他也全面從新投入工作,我也沒有想到,他會走得這麼突然。
家母在我17歲那年謝世了。士德的突然離世,多少也讓我想起我的母親,喚起回憶深處的痛。這麼相似的情節。生活方式和身體都很健康的一個人,突然毫無預兆地就得了癌症。在經歷了化療和其他治療過程後,似乎情況有所改善,一切貌似即將回到正常的時候,卻平地一聲雷式地突然復發,就這樣撒手歸西。
我現在一邊寫著這篇文章,一邊在聽著許冠傑和張國榮合唱的《沉默是金》,心中不免對生命多了很多感觸。前幾天還在一直不斷地聽哥哥的多首名曲,緬懷他的離去。
友人安慰我,別太傷心了。我的答復是,我的心情,是震驚和感觸占得更多。
覺得最近似乎和死亡相關的新聞特別多。
4月5日也是Kurt Cobain自殺19週年的日子,也讓我翻出我的那張20週年版的《Nevermind》專輯,感嘆一下,一代才子像流星般短暫且燦爛的人生,在聲名大噪的三年內就吞槍自盡。
專輯中的《Something in The Way》雖然不是Nirvana的代表作,但其中Kurt聲音中所帶出的傷感,卻在我腦海中揮之不去,單是聽到他的聲音,腦海中就浮現他眼中那深邃的憂傷。
我喜歡的著名影評人Roger Ebert也在4月4日過世了,在經歷了與癌症抗爭11年後,最終給世人留下比電影更深刻的人生。
今年才25歲的我,但也已經有兩個曾經的同班同學,分別因為遇到劫匪與白血病而陸續離世,更確確實實讓我們感嘆英年早逝、人生的多變與無常。
人生就是這樣充滿著無奈。有的人想活下去,但卻沒辦法;有的人可以活下去,卻無奈地選擇了斷。這算是什麼道理呢?我不懂。
或許,不斷地接受死亡的發生,到接受死亡,本就是人生成長的一個過程。盜用《Life of Pi》裡的一句話:
“I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye. "
或許,真正讓人感到傷痛的,不是生命的流逝,而是未曾好好地道別。
繼續淺酌著我的干紅,伴我寫下這篇不倫不類的悼念文章,獻給已仙逝的老闆與朋友們。謝謝你們曾經的相伴。南無阿彌陀佛。祝你們一路走好。
2013年04月07日 0240
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